为什么男人不听妇女

By Robert Leahy, 博士, HuffingtonPost.com

In a recent posting I identified a list of the wrong things to say to someone who is upset. Interestingly, this led to a lot of comments on 赫芬顿邮报, which got me thinking. The first thought I had was, “Why do men find it so hard to validate women?”

Before I get into this, I’d like you to think about the research by psychologist John Gottman. Gottman has been able to predict with 91 percent accuracy which couples will end up getting divorced. He calls these “The Four Horsemen of Apocalypse” — along with other problematic styles of communication. The Four Horsemen are Criticism (“You are always whining”), Contempt (“You’re a basket case”), Defensiveness (“I’m not the problem, you are!”) and Stonewalling (withdrawing or becoming silent). Other problematic styles include starting the conversation in a hostile or intense style, giving off body-language that is defensive or cold, flooding your partner with negativity, and bringing up past memories, complaints and injuries. When you can predict divorce with 91 percent accuracy you know you are on to something.

Now I don’t want to claim that men are always the problem — or that they are even more likely to be the problem than women are. No group is innocent, no group is perfect. But I can see that a lot of times men have a great deal of difficulty validating and emotionally supporting the women in their lives. Here are some reasons.

The Seven Reasons Men Don’t Listen

1. It’s a Power Struggle. Some men view intimate relationships as a win-lose game. If the woman is venting her feelings, then she is winning and the man is losing. As a result these men may try to dominate and control the woman, telling her that she is illogical, out of control or just a pain to deal with. One man says, “You want us to be doormats.”
2. Sarcasm
   Many men describe their interactions in terms of “sarcastic” 评论 — put-downs, contempt, criticism and condescension. 例如, some men respond with, “It must be that time of the month” 或 “Get me a beer” or other problematic and self-defeating comments. They think that sarcasm will get the woman to either shut up or help her see that she is being ridiculous. She gets the message that he not only doesn’t care — but that he is the last person to ask for support. He thinks he’s clever and funny — 她认为他只是没有得到它.
3. 大男子主义思想
   许多人评论说，以验证或使用情感的语言来支持女人是怯懦. “你正试图使我们陷入wusses,” 一些男人说. 他们认为，男人的角色是要坚强, 它上面, 盛气凌人. 验证并允许情绪通风是女性化的男人, 谁失去了他们的尊严与男子 “真正的男人。” 这些妇女可能认为有些大男子主义的信心是有吸引力, 直到它导致他们觉得只是一种情绪时，他们可以从他那里得到的是他的愤怒.
4. 情绪失调
   有些人发现它如此不安, 所以情感引发，听取他们的合作伙伴，他们觉得他们有通风自己的愤怒或收回. 其实, this is supported by the research that shows that their pulse-rates escalate during conflict and they find this unbearable. As a result of their own escalating emotion — which they can’t tolerate — they either try to get her to shut up — or they leave the room. She feels controlled, marginalized and abandoned.
5. Not Wanting to Reinforce Whining
   This is another reason that men give for not supporting or encouraging expression. They believe that validating and making time and space for their partner’s expression will reinforce complaining which, 反过来, will go on indefinitely. So they want to stop it immediately by using sarcasm, control or stonewalling. She feels that he won’t let her talk, that he is cold, aloof, hostile. So she goes somewhere else to get that support — another woman friend — or another man.
6. Demand for Rationality
   Some men believe that their partner should always be rational and that irrationality cannot be tolerated. Their response to their partner’s apparent irrationality is to point out every error in her thinking, dismiss her, become sarcastic or withdraw. This demand for rationality or “the facts” might sound “mature” but I have yet to hear someone say that they have a great sex life because they have the facts on their side. Communication is often more about soothing, grooming, connecting — less about simply giving you the information and being logical.
7. Problems Have to Be Solved
   These men think that the main reason for communication is to share facts that then can be used for problem-solving. 他们认为，通风和分享的感觉让你一事无成，而如果他们的伴侣是不是愿意提出解决问题的，然后她被自我放纵，浪费大家的时间和精力. 当他跳与解决问题, 她要么升级，她认为感情是没有听说过, 或者她撤回.

好, 问自己, “有这些反应果然奏效?” 这是为什么样的行为和思维，以便预测离婚? 如果它不工作 — 你和你的伴侣都知道这不是 — 那么也许是时候考虑作出改变. 你可以改变你的合作伙伴 — 拆散, 离婚. 或, 也许它会更容易改变你的回应你的合作伙伴. 在以前的帖子我列出了一些可能的对策.

Let me go back to a fundamental part of intimate relationships. We want to feel that our partner cares about and respects our feelings. We want to believe that they have time to listen. We want to feel supported, soothed and that we are not a burden. The seven beliefs and styles above — which many men use — only alienate the women that they claim they love. If it’s not working, why would you continue to act this way?

The answer may be that some men view relationships in terms of power and control. They believe that being real men means never giving up your power. They think that women need to be kept in their place, 不 “indulged,” taught how to think rationally and solve real problems. Of course, rationality and problem-solving are important, 但如果你的伴侣想听到和尊重你找到更好的之前，首先你在跳，并采取控制. 真正的男人分享权力, 真正的男人是合作伙伴, 真正的男人知道，真正的女性需要真正尊重.